you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize