This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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