There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
