you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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