If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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