Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
