just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
