Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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