Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
