I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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