he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize