I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
