I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
