I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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