So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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