so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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