I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
