If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
