One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
