i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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