you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize