does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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