theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
