I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
