So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
