drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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