Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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