are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
