you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
