i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
