i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
