I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
