Apparently you make a good broom.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
