I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
