your thong is hanging out like whoa
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
