and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
