I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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