If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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