I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
