i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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