I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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