I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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