Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
