I puked a lego.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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