Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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