And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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