nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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