dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
