i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
