How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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