im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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