i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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