my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
