Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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