No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
