so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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