She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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