the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
