I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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