remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
