dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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