You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
