Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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